7 practical, intrinsic steps to gain more self-confidence.
Trust. One of the leading causes of broken relationships, dysfunctional teams, and a lack of self-confidence. Trust is essential to being the best player, person, or coach you can be. If you’ve been following along with my blog, I started a series exploring the 7 essential attitudes of mindfulness for coaches and athletes - so far we have gone through Non-Judgement, Beginner’s Mind, and a 3 part series on Patience (patience with yourself, patience with others, and patience for coaches). In this part, we are exploring SELF TRUST - how it gets broken and steps you can take to start rebuilding it.
Gain more self-confidence! Self-confidence goes hand in hand with self-trust. How so? When you trust someone else, you are confident IN them. You’re confident they’ll do the things they say they’ll do. You’re confident in who they are - that they are the same person, all the time, in every situation. You’re confident in how they’ll react to you when you are around them. Confidence = trust. So the real question is: do you trust yourself? Do you even know if you DON’T trust yourself? Follow these simple questions to reveal the ways you may have broken trust with yourself.
Am I clear with myself about my own limitations? Am I willing to (and actually do) say no to others to manage my own limits - emotionally, physically (exertion, sleep, downtime), spiritually, professionally? Do you say yes to things you really don’t have the time or energy for - and pay the price for it personally? Sometimes it’s important to extend ourselves beyond what our limits are to satisfy other values in our life - being there for family or friends, getting a little less sleep to work out, etc. Sometimes. If you consistently betray yourself by giving above and beyond your limitations, you might be struggling with trusting yourself.
Do I do the things I promise myself I will do - the majority of the time? How often do you find yourself making little promises throughout the day such as: “Today I’m going to not snack at all!” “I’m going to go to bed before 10 pm tonight.” “I’m going to make sure I leave work on time today so I can make that workout class I love to go to.” “I’m going to work out today.” We all make these little promises to ourselves - how often do you NOT follow through? How would you feel about your best friend if they treated you like this - saying “I’m coming over tonight!” but they don’t, all the time. Can you rely on yourself? What would change in your life if you followed through on all of these little promises?
Do you acknowledge the part that you play in the negative things that happen in your life? You tried out for the volleyball team, and didn’t make the cut - are you the kind of person who blames the coaches, the other parents, the other players? Or, are you the kind of person who looks inward and honestly reflects on what YOUR role in not making the team was? Have you been working out consistently? Do you watch film? Have you been practicing? If you avoid looking at yourself with self-awareness and self-accountability, you might be struggling with self-trust.
Do you keep your own confidence? Or do you find yourself over-sharing things about yourself that would be better if they remain confidential? I’m all about humans being vulnerable with each other - but it’s important to understand that there are some relationships where it’s appropriate to share certain things and some that are not. Now, which one is which is completely up to your personal discretion. However, people who have high self-trust make conscious decisions about who and when to share private and personal information with. Do you over-share? How does it make you feel when you do? This can be a good indicator of how much self-trust you’re working with right now in your life.
Do you choose to stand up for yourself when it’s important? Or do you find that you betray your truth or your self-respect because it’s more comfortable to avoid it? How would you feel if you had a friend who consistently watched people wrong you, and never said anything about it? How do you feel about yourself when you choose your own comfort zone over the courage to do what’s right? People with high self-confidence choose courage over comfort, consistently.
Do you judge yourself for things you do or don’t do? “A reasonable adult should have their shi*+ together.” “I’m so stupid, I should have this figured out by now.” “I’m permanently damaged.” People who have high self-trust accept themselves for who they are, find their own standards (not someone else’s) to hold themselves to, and find room for grace for themselves when they don’t meet those standards.
Do you extend the most generous interpretation possible to your own words, actions, or intentions? So you said something to a friend that you regret - do you beat yourself up about it? What would happen if, instead, you considered the most generous reason possible about why you were irritable with your friend - for example, you had a fight with your spouse, have a stressful situation at work, or have been living through a worldwide pandemic for the last 2 years?
How to BUILD Self-Trust.
Set clear boundaries with your own personal time and energy. Step 1 - figure out what your limitations are. Step 2 - create a plan to maintain boundaries so that you mostly don’t overextend yourself. What’s one boundary you can set this week that would give you more energy and joy in life?
Start making REALISTIC promises to yourself. So you think you SHOULD be going to the gym 5x a week so you constantly tell yourself that’s what you’ll do. What would happen if you experimented this week with only making small promises that you were 100% sure that you could keep? That might look like: I’m going to go for a walk once this week. Instead of “I’m going to meditate every single day this week” trying “This week, I’m going to think about different times of my week that I feel excited about and it would make sense for me to meditate.” What’s one thing that you can change this week to start being more reliable to yourself?
Start looking inward for honesty before you look outward to place blame. Self-accountability can be scary. No one likes to feel like they were the one who made a mistake, the one who wasn’t 100% committed, or the reason something less than optimal happened. However, real growth cannot happen without deep honesty. What’s something you need to take personal accountability for in your life? How does it change your perspective when you do?
Consciously choose which relationships to invest your vulnerability in, and which ones it would be better to reserve that energy. What’s a relationship in your life that feels unequal to you - one where you are much more open and vulnerable than they are? How would it feel to make a conscious decision to be more equal there? What’s a relationship in your life where the other person is more open and vulnerable than you are? How would it feel to make a conscious decision to be more equal there?
Choose one place in your life where you can start choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. That might look like - the right thing for me to do tonight is to NOT make plans with other friends, and come home and spend quality time with my spouse instead. The right thing to do might look like investing in a person or a job that requires a lot of work and emotional energy, instead of bailing and bouncing around to other, easier options that might be less fulfilling. What’s something in your life that would feel better if you choose courage over comfort?
Start building awareness for the ways that you judge yourself and make a conscious decision to adopt a new perspective. Set a reminder on your phone, place some sticky notes around the house, or ask a close friend to check in with you - what ways am I judging myself right now? How can I have more curiosity about my own actions or my situation? Another super important perspective - WHOSE standards am I judging myself based on? Society, my parents, an ex’s? Build trust with yourself by consciously choosing your own standards and being more realistic with yourself.
Assume the best about all of your thoughts, intentions, and actions. Think about the way you always assume the best for some of the people in your life - if they forgot to say Happy Birthday on your birthday, you wouldn’t beat them up for that. Rather, you would assume they probably had a good reason, were distracted, or didn’t intend to hurt you. In what ways do you find yourself assuming the worst about yourself? How does that serve you? What would be a more generous assumption you can make about your life?
This blog was inspired by Brene Brown’s work and breakdown of TRUST. To gain more insight, check out her video here!
My coaching programs spend a lot of time building awareness around the ways in which we have betrayed ourselves and coming up with a practical plan and steps to rebuild this self-trust. Want to learn more about how to gain motivation, self-confidence, and feel more productive? Click that button below!
